My True Story #No86

"Truth is, I dressed up solely for this picture when in reality, I was spending the new year alone in my room, studying...." - Afi

"It took years for me to make Instagram as my happy place. I like posting pictures of my outfits, as well as instastories of polls and short videos.

I try to sound positive, cheerful and bubbly most times like how people perceived me but I also try to make it more real now by showing my vulnerability, especially in struggling with my mental health.

In this picture, I look fine as hell (I think). I look like I’m dressed for a New Year’s Eve party. Truth is, I dressed up solely for this picture when in reality, I was spending the new year alone in my room, studying. I was still alone in another country with a lack of friends, an outcast, especially by my own Malaysian community and struggling with my mental illnesses.

Fast forward to the present, my Instagram photos remain pretty but things have only gotten worse; I attempted suicide again with an overdose, I got manipulated and conned by my “boyfriend” and my only Malaysian friend in Newcastle that I deemed as a Godsend angel and best friend distanced herself from me.

I was still an outcast, especially by girls when all I wanted was to be accepted into the girlhood. All I have is my faith, style and writings to keep me happy; being alone without being lonely. Yet, instead of leaving me be, some made it clear they wanted me to be aware of how I’m an outcast.

They question the sincerity of my faith and criticise how I was seeking attention through my style and writings.

The relationship I have with anyone and anything is not for you to assume or judge, especially if I trusted you as a family or a friend. You don’t know me better than I know myself.

The perception you have of me is invalid because only I know my heart. You can’t choose to deduce you know me from what you observe and what I let you in on because I choose the lifestyle I wish to display. In reality, you don’t know what goes behind closed doors."

True story told by Afi @aafisulaiman

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