My True Story #No70
"Hi I'm Jeanie. And I used to be someone different..." - Jeanie
"You'd never say it scrolling through my Facebook feed though. The years pass and the pictures and stories reflect the changes, but these are one-dimensional images.
I tried Insta and oh my gosh...I failed miserably! All I saw were selfies, selfies, and occasional food pics. Right there I closed my account with the stark realisation that I'd changed. A LOT.
Growing up I was outgoing, friendly, funny and spirited. About 2 years ago I emigrated to the UK and my foundation was ripped from under me. I came to the unknown with the very best of intentions but with the very worst of kind of ignorance.
I thought things would not change much because you know, technology makes the distance smaller etc. Sure it does, but it also isolates you.
Once you click that red phone icon, reality sets in. Recently I looked at myself in the mirror and I could not stand making eye contact with myself! What? Crazy! But it dawned on me : I am working at settling my kids in, making sure hubby is stable and working and enjoying home life, and forgetting about myself! There I was, a shell, a quiet, sad, lonely person. I am 43.
I never thought about depression before until this day. Of course Google is always on standby so I looked up symptoms and with a lump in my throat I had to accept that it was a list of my daily life...
How do you admit this to yourself nevermind others! Well, I cried. And cried a bit more. And had to inwardly scold myself for refusing to go for coffee with a potential new friend, declining invites to playdates and sending hubby instead, and for not seeing in time what damage I was doing to myself.
Loneliness is an awful friend. It makes you believe that watching a movie, playing piano, reading, walking the dogs and cooking are all acceptable "social" activities because at least you're not lying in bed moping right? WRONG. Very wrong.
I have changed, I've become shy and anti-social because I fear rejection. For the last few weeks I have had to drag myself out of that hole where solitude and silence were my companions.
It's hard. Every day is hard. But I am a fighter. I think I just need the right ammunition. I know the old Jeanie is there, I have to find a semblance of her to begin healing. I also think that sharing my story here is a great step towards that. My first piece of armour in the fight. So thank you for the opportunity!"
True story told by Jeanie