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My True Story #No83

You can’t please everyone and it’s okay not to be okay! Don’t be scared of what you want and need for yourself. Don’t ever let anyone else define you or your idea of happiness" - Lena


"When I was 16, I moved to New Zealand by myself to start a new life. I had met a boy and was there for about two years but found myself very unhappy.


When I moved back several years later, I was not allowed home because my mom didn’t agree with my decision to leave my partner at the time. I went to live with my friend and her family until I could get back on my feet and moved to San Diego.

There, I got in a relationship with a man whom I loved very much but he destroyed every ounce of trust I had but regardless we tried to make it work.


My mom and dad hardly ever spoke to me when I was with him and didn’t support the relationship not because they knew he had cheated, was married behind my back and got his wife pregnant. After time, the relationship fell apart and we had both made mistakes that made the relationship irreconcilable.


A while later I met my husband, and he brought my family back into my life briefly until him and I started having some issues and my mom didn't support my decision in my relationship yet again.


I had gotten to the point where I didn’t want to be in the marriage anymore and just wanted to fall in love with myself and fix myself.


That was a year ago now and the last message she sent me was, “ I never want to see your g** damn face as long as I live.”

I have struggled with my relationship with her for years but this is the longest I’ve gone consecutively without speaking to her. I can’t even reach out to her as she has blocked me on all platforms. I’m hardly allowed to speak to my dad if she‘s around.


Now living in London, I’ve never felt so alone. I’ve struggled with suicide, depression and addiction.

All I needed was my mom and dad to support me and be there for me, because as a parent, that’s what you do! You support your kids whether they’re right or wrong. I’ve now grown to realize that they’re not going to come around unless it becomes convenient which isn’t fair on me. I shouldn’t be a convenience.  


*TRIGGER WARNING*

A while back, I sat down one night while my husband was at work and wrote a letter to each person in my life telling them what I wanted to say. They were suicide notes. I said goodbye to my pets, and held them and cried for a bit before going upstairs and drawing a bath. I got in, took a handful of pills and began trying to slit my wrists. Halfway through I couldn’t bare the pain anymore so I stopped.


My husband came home to find me in a pile sobbing on the floor in the bathroom begging to die. I didn’t think I could feel any lower than I did at that moment until a few weeks ago when the weight all became too much to hold and I tied a scarf around my neck and tried to hang myself in the closet. Once again, Kieran heard my struggles and kicking and untied me and held me while I hit and pushed him away angry for not just letting me go.


Honestly, I didn’t even feel like it was my life to take anymore. I was just living for everyone else. Trying to make my parents proud so they’ll speak to me again. They knew about both attempts and my dad called me once and never spoke another word about it. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m realizing what does and doesn’t matter. I can‘t keep trying to make everyone else happy and lose myself along the way.


This is my life and I deserve to live it. If anyone else is struggling please reach out to someone, even me!

You can’t please everyone and it’s okay not to be okay! Don’t be scared of what you want and need for yourself.


Don’t ever let anyone else define you or your idea of happiness."


True story told by Lena


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